I think i’m having an anxiety attack

I can feel it welling up in my chest

but I can’t make it stop

I feel scared and I don’t know why

this day… what is with this day?

you know when you go camping for one too many days…when day 5 is just too much

one too many days of not being connected to the outside world, not having your own bed, your own shower.

one too many days of smelling like campfire and drinking too much booze.

welcome to my fifth day.

I’m on that fifth day in my volunteer year.

It’s not to say this year hasn’t been great. I’ve learned a lot about Detroit, about others, about myself, and about what I want for my life. This year hasn’t been a waste. I fell in love and got my heart broken - and I guess I’ve grown from it. I’ve been able to control my panic attacks and better deal with my chronic depression and have learned how to be able to function. I’ve learned that I’m a lot stronger than I thought I was.

I’ve also learned that this time in my life, this year, this pause in my life, is ready to end. I’m done. I’ve been done. When I came back to Detroit from Easter I realized without Jon I really had nothing to come back for. There’s nothing here binding me to this city but the end of this pause in my life and two jobs that I really really don’t enjoy.

Without him I’m just ready to get the hell out of here. I’m ready to move on, forget about him, about this city, about these people and just live my life. I’m ready to start my life, my career, my adulthood.

I’m ready to find someone real who I can share myself with and who won’t pitch me to the wasteside because they have lame excuses and can’t handle life. I find myself missing him, and it’s because I’m still here in Michigan.

I’m ready to travel, to see the world, to learn new things, gain new perspectives, and get the fuck out of this city.

I just need to move on. July seriously can’t come soon enough.

We had a benefit for the school I work for yesterday night. Everything was going great. It was awkward and I felt out of place but having my fellow volunteers with me made it easier.
Mid way through the night I had a huge anxiety attack. I had to leave the room during the principal’s speech to try and breathe.
It was horrifying.

I had this priest at my table who was a condescending ass and questioned me in front of my students. He asked as to why a Hindu would be the campus minister at a catholic school.
It’s not like I don’t question that myself. But I’m a volunteer and there was a need at a school and here I am fulfilling that need.
I have been involved in campus ministry since my first year as an undergrad. I don’t do it because of the Catholicism. I do it because of the social justice, human rights, and peace aspect.
My campus ministry program in college is what sparked my interest in human rights. It got me involved. I consider myself a more involved and better informed person of this world because of my university’s campus ministry program and being a social justice intern for 2 years.

Because of this and my passion for children I feel as if I’m more than an adequate individual to be doing this job. And I do it well.
After this man embarrassed me in front of my students I couldn’t breathe.

I think it was just a monster of things building up and the anxiety of the dinner/fundraiser and my inability to calm down when my anxiety gets the best of me that caused the attack.

Anxiety attacks suck. There’s no other way to say it. They suck really really bad. It feels like someone is standing on your chest and you can catch your breath. Then you freak out because you can’t and then it escalates from there.

Through my discovery of my anxiety and my difficulties with it I have also been blessed with an incredible network of supportive people who always have my back and help me through the attacks. I’ve been slowly realizing that this new community here in Detroit is here to help me just as I am here to help them.

I can’t begin to thank you enough. So mom, dad, Emma, Sarah, Helene, TJ, Grams, Molly, Amy, Sue, Oggie, Lizzi, Loren, and all the other friends that I love the most, thank you.
I would still be here if it wasn’t for you.

Shanti. Namaste.